anymore – at least for a little while (when high). In her story “More and More”, Lau (2001) says
“I binged on these drugs, finding a more complete oblivion through chemicals, a more extensive
loss of self, of memory and pain.” (p. 92) Lau (2001) also commented that sometimes after a
binge she would believe that the next day she would wake up and be perfect at last. (p. 88) Of
course, she never changed overnight, which only prolonged her battles with addiction.
From a young age, Lau was living with anxiety. This anxiety also brought along the
struggles of rage. While reminiscing about a food binge earlier in her life, Lau (2001) comments
that the binging helped to dissipate her strong emotions; she specifically says “The storm of
anxiety, of helpless rage, had passed for the time being.” (p. 88). This demonstrates that even at a
young age Lau was coping with her anxiety and rage emotions through addiction. The anxiety is
described as a feeling that begins to build and becomes desperation with some elements of anger
within her. (Lau, 2001, p. 94). “The urge was to keep going until the anxiety and rage stopped,
until as a teenager I threw up or passed out or felt so blank that I no longer was myself. (Lau,
2001, p. 89) Again, she used compulsion and binging in order to not deal with her emotions of
rage and anxiety. Her addictions can be understood through the realization that she is trying to
mask the anxiety and rage, which was the result of her desire to be perfect, but not being able to
fulfill that need. She was fearful of revealing her true self - who she believed was not perfect.
Lau presents her story as if it is her parents’ fault that she has addictions. While her relationship
with her parents makes her struggles more difficult, what actually brings Lau down are her own
beliefs surrounding how she is not perfect. She is afraid to let her true self-be revealed because
she is scared it isn’t good enough. Ultimately, this leads to her struggle with anxiety and anger –
which in turn causes her to turn to various forms of addictions throughout life.
