Relationships According To Helen Fisher And Ester Perel TED Talks

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Relationships According to Helen Fisher and Ester Perel TED Talks

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Relationships According to Helen Fisher and Ester Perel TED Talks

Relationship talks are a few of those sessions, which get a large number of audiences.

Almost everyone wants to build a better relationship, either with friends, family and or with sexual

partners. Hence, the reason why most people listen to relationship talks and generally read about

them. Relationships are not events but a process, and currently shifting to be a long-term mutual

commitment with increasing expectations around love, identity, belonging, security among others.

Love in a relationship is nurtured by a number of factors including; mutuality, protection,

reciprocity and responsibility, which are major strengths in a relationship. In addition, romantic

love attracts desire for sex, and enables a couple build on and nurture a sexual relationship. Those

in love are normally attracted to each other, almost every time, and given chance would spend all

the time with their partners. However, research has shown that, that kind of closeness is only

possible eroticism is still present in that relationship. Once the erotic drive is lost, things never

remain the same in relationship, and this is the time couple start seeking the help of relationship

therapists. Fisher and Ester TED talks on relationship give detailed exploration on relationship and

love matters; which are important for any relationship to survive as well as for those in love or

those who have ever experienced love. This paper explores relationships according to Helen Fisher

and Ester Perel.

According to Hele (2005), sex is right at the center of romantic relationships. Research

done has indicated that love between two sexual partners, is stronger and increases with increased

frequency of sexual activities, and the number of times they get intimate with one another. When

sex reduces, love tends to wither away. Fisher believes that the decision to love in all in the mind

and those relationships are determined by our interaction. For instance, people who grow up

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together develop certain bonds and relationships, which, mostly translate to romantic love. People

are also attracted to others when they at their best, for instance, watching someone do what they

are passionate about, such as successfully delivering a speech, or providing certain solutions.

Romantic love pushes people to the extremes, by making them sexually possessive (Perel, 2017).

Partners develop intense emotional cravings to be with one another and feel always motivated by

what the other party does. In her talk, Fisher says that she conducted research on people who are

deeply in love, and asked them how often they think about each other; the answers were that almost

everyone deeply in love thinks about the partner almost all the time, they never stop thinking about

each other and imagining what they do. Some partners even expressed that they would give up

their lives for their partners. This shows how deep romantic relationships can get. It is the drive,

which makes people stay in love, and not the emotions, as most people perceive. Fisher narrates

that at times, the drive is so strong, so real and can make one to kill for love, die for love and

literally do anything in the name of love. She further asserts that relationships are embedded in

three brain systems, which include the sex drive, romantic love, and deep attachment to a partner

(Fisher, 2005).

In addition to the three brain systems in which relationships are embedded, Fisher has listed

three stages through which people fall and stay in love. These stages include being in love,

passionate love, and compassionate love. In the first stage, there is a strong mutual attachment

between the couple. It is characterized by high level of emotions, passion, and a lot of energy, and

in many cases, people at this stage fantasize a lot. Passionate love is the second stage, as is

characterized by high level of passion as the bond of love grows stronger, and partners get happier.

At this point, the sex drive reduces, and it is not done at the same level as stage one (Schnarch,

2009). Finally, stage three is a place for compassionate love. Here the relationship is more of duty

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of care for each partner. Being there for one another, and taking care of them that they may not

feel lonely. At this stage, feelings of passion towards one another decrease while the security needs

become more. At this point in life, the most couple has shared the passion, have mated and

reproduced and what remains is less attraction to each other, since the focus shifts to other things

like children, if they are in the mix.

According to Ester Perel, modernity has changed the perception of love from what was

previously viewed, from the economic point of view, where men were expected to provide for the

families, to a long-term expectation. Now people desire to have long-term sexual relationships.

The desire is created by the need for security and adventure (Perel, 2017). Other than loving,

sharing sexual relations, and providing for the partner, people want to be cared for, to be protected

and feel secure, and remain connected for as long as they stay. She points out that desire is, when

we try to experience sexuality in long-term, but not necessarily because of other things, such as

basic needs. Desire brings about an erotic space, keeping events live in people’s memories, and

imagining every moment with the loved ones. Luckily, humans are the only ones with the erotic

intelligence, animals can make love to one another but do not have that sense to enjoy what comes

with the rousing the feelings in their bodies. On the other hand, humans can have sex for long

hours, but still, do not lose the drive and urge to have more and more of sex with their partners.

Sexuality actually transforms human’s imagination into something far away from the normal

world.

Desire is in long-term relationships develops and become stronger, as relationships

advances (Dallos & Dallos, 1997). This is so since, as the relationship grows, the bond between

the two partners become stronger, they become so close, and used to one another. At this point,

sex may not be the driving force keeping a couple together, but the desire for security, mutuality,

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reliability, dangers, fear of the unknown among others hold the relationships. Seemingly, in a case

of a monogamous relationship, the other partner especially the male one, at times would feel that

the demands of the female partner are excessively overstretched, and as a result conflict and

misunderstanding comes up. For a couple, sex life is very important and really determines the

sustainability of that relationship. A working sex life of a couple contributes about 15% of the

relationship satisfaction, but when it does not work, it contributes 70% of conflict dissatisfaction

in that relationship. Sexual satisfaction builds a healthy relationship, but dissatisfaction creates

problems and turmoil in a relationship.

There are a number of reasons for sexual dissatisfaction. Some of them include naiveté

about sex, mismatched desire, unrealistic expectations, mismatched sexuality tastes, unresolved

conflict, and conflict on domestic roles among other issues. When such indifferences occur, it

affects a couple sex life and causes sexual dissatisfaction. Tough, some couple would work hard

to solve the differences by seeking the help of sex therapist and move back on track. However,

some couple is consumed by the differences, and the result is break-ups. For instance, a couple

who disagree on how frequent, they should be having sex by being helped by a sex therapist by

understanding each other’s sexual desires and advising accordingly.

Being naïve about sex can cause serious issues between the couple, especially in a situation

where one partner has more knowledge about sex and the other one is naïve. Research has revealed

that people who grew up in more conservative and religious environments have very little

knowledge about sex than those who were not too religious. The result of such a scenario can be

that one partner will be more comfortable with their sex life, while the other will feel

uncomfortable and would lag behind. In such a situation, it is important to let the couple know that

they can overcome and that they are not alone since others are having the same problem as them.

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In addition, difficulty in communicating about sex can also be a contributing factor towards a

couple’s sexual dissatisfaction. If a couple cannot openly express themselves about how they feel

about sex, their different sexual tastes and desires, their sexual life develops problems, which if

not resolved at an early stage would end up breaking up the union. Conflict arising from a couple's

differences in sexual desire and sex tastes and styles, can also blow out a relationship and drive

away the erotic charge which existed when the couple was still courting. Ester points out that those

couples with differences in sexual desire form a large population. Mostly, men feel offended when

their partners do not want sex, and may not understand them. For the men, many at times sex is

important to sustaining a relationship, and when the female partner is off the track, the person feels

offended and can even pursue other ways to satisfy their sexual desires. In a bid to pursue the

alternatives to satisfy, a partner's sexual desires can lead to infidelity.

Perel talks broadly about infidelity in her TED talk on “Rethinking Infidelity” for those

who have ever loved and points out a number of reasons which lead to infidelity and revealing

whether it is something that can be done away with in relationships or not. She starts that,

"Infidelity is one such act that can robe a couple of their love and sex life". According to Perel

(2017), infidelity is universally prohibited yet it is the most widely practiced in the world.

Monogamy used to exist in the past, but today there is totally no language of monogamy, all

because of infidelity. Fisher states that humans can only be socially monogamous, but not sexually

monogamous. In older days, monogamy unions used to be for life, which implied one partner for

a life-time, and currently, the notion seemed to have shifted to one partner at a time. Ester states

that there is a rise in infidelity in marriages, and monogamy has lost its true meaning. No, men

rely on women’s fidelity to know if they sired the children, they are raising. Both women and men

cheat and exchange partners and therefore knowing whether their children are truly theirs or belong

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to some of the many sexual partners they met is a dilemma to the man, and only known to the

woman. According to Ester, adultery is dangerous, it destroys marriages and hurts in three major

ways; first is that it shutters the great ambition of love. Love builds a relationship, and when it is

shuttered, even the relationship bond is destroyed. Secondly, infidelity destroys trust. Once trust

is destroyed, it becomes very difficult to restore it.

Infidelity has shuttered many marriages, and the statistics are shocking even to those

seeking to get married since they fear being hurt (Perel, 2017). Marriage, being an emotional

arrangement in the modern world, infidelity threatens the emotional security, which comes with

the relationship. Death and mortality live right in the shadow of infidelity; the results of infidelity

can be a new life altogether or death. Every affair defines a relationship, and how the partners

choose to react will determine the outcome (Perel, 2017). For the few who to life easy, and

infidelity as part of life, get to talk out their issues and move on with their lives in the same

relationships. However, those who have ever been madly in love, are totally broken, everything

falls apart and it can never be the same; many at times they end up breaking up with their partners.

Ester states that the increased rate of infidelity in marriages can only indicate that humans are

generally emotionally weak, and are still lured by the power of the forbidden to cheat. After an

affair has happened and is discovered, the love between the couple is threatened, and now the

question whether things can normalize again becomes the big agenda.

According to Fisher, the consequences of cheating heat hard on the deceived partner, and

many lands into depression. If they were madly in love with the other partner, they can suffer,

including landing into depression (Fisher, 2005). However, Ester asserts that how couples deal

with the aftermath of infidelity varies, and it determines whether the relationship shall survive or

end. She says that while some will explore new possibilities and may not want to hear anything

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from their partners, some take up the challenge and turn the crisis into an opportunity. The later

open up, and seek advice from therapists, they open up, talk out their differences freely as they

have never done before. That category of couples who express mature understanding of their

sexual problems, normally overcome, and research has shown that many of them live better and

fresh lives thereafter. The cheating partner becomes cognizant of the mistakes and expresses

remorsefulness towards the other partner (Perel, 2017). How the deceived partner reacts to and

handles the affair is also very important towards sustaining or breaking a relationship. Those who

accept the reality, and work to solve the situation at hand survive in the relationships till the end,

but those who are quick to react and focus on the negative, while blinding the positive, are highly

likely to suffer break-ups.

Conclusion

Relationships are dynamic, and every relationship is unique since those involved poses

various traits. Sexuality remains an important factor in all romantic relationships, and hence should

be nurtured to sustain relationships in the long-term. It is also important to understand, that the

modern relationships are threatened by infidelity, which in turn threatens emotional security, so

partners should learn and understand one another in order to resolve conflicts, which may arise in

their relationships. How couple approach conflicts in relationships, will determine whether

relationships will survive the test of time, or whether they will die, and be forgotten.

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References

Dallos, S., & Dallos, R. (1997). Couples, sex, and power: The politics of desire. Buckingham

[England: Open University Press.

Fisher, H. E. (2005). Why we love: The nature and chemistry of romantic love.

Perel, E. (2017). State of Affairs: Rethinking about Infidelity

Schnarch, D. M. (2009). Passionate marriage: Love, sex and intimacy in emotionally committed

relationships. New York: W.W. Norton & Co

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